Book Review | Aaron Lawton
Abuse is not normal. It is not normal to expect abuse to happen. Abuse, when it happens, is often so foreign that a person struggles to find the language or the framework to process what is going on. Even identifying it as abuse is difficult; it may leak out with a sentence like the title of the book, “Something’s Not Right.” Wade Mullen advances a vocabulary and model that helps to identify, decode, and move past the power of abuse. He uses his own experience of abuse in the church and stories from his research to illustrate abuse.
Mullen’s foundational argument is that the abuser uses “impression management” to conceal damaging secrets. Tools to conceal secrets vary from appeals to sacred roles to fend off questions, cultivating an inner-circle who will serve as a quick defense and hit squad, or building a tribal culture that becomes entrenched in maintaining the status quo. The abuser ingratiates themselves by flattery, favors, and alliances. Once the trap is set, the abuser will attack a victim’s identity, self-respect, and agency. Often the victim will be separated from supportive relationships, institutions, or general sources of understanding. As the abuse continues, the victim realizes that few options remain; silence is often preferred because the cost of truth-telling is too high for the victim, particularly in churches. Victims must face intimidation and manipulative pleas where abuse accusations are reversed on them.
Abusers respond to claims of abuse by denying outright, deflecting blame, rationalizing the action, and attempting to reduce the severity by comparing to others. These individuals, if unsuccessful with all these strategies, will resort to trying to end the discussion without meaningfully taking responsibility or giving real apologies. They want to fast-forward out of the current uncomfortable episode to where they have control again in the circumstance. Unfortunately, abuse can seep into the church (organization) as it seeks to defend its leader. There can be grand demonstrations in the form of public statements, distancing, or performative rehabilitation which attempt to assert that everything is good now. These later steps are times when the institution minimizes victims and rushes to assure everyone that everything is alright because these failures are often a threat to the vitality of the organization. Victims can choose to reframe their experiences by understanding the deception that has occurred and they can cultivate beauty around them. Using this knowledge, people can cultivate safe communities and learn to forgive (though there is no call to forget).
When there is physical or sexual abuse, there are specific acts, bruises, and scars that testify to what has occurred. An individual who has faced abuse from a controlling or manipulative person finds themselves questioning what happened, much less if it is abuse. This book helps to illustrate what abuse looks like and what the abuser is trying to accomplish. It can end the questions of why they did what they did by framing the behavior and placing it in the context of abuse. One example that had personal resonance to me is the well-known tact of silent treatment; I have been puzzled by this behavior in the past. Mullen argues that this type of silence is intended to make the other person feel guilty, force them to approach the silent party to try to end the embargo, and receive requirements to end the treatment. This silence is about guilt and obligation. When I read how the strategy is intended to be used, it helped to frame what had struck me as nonsensical before. I can see how withdrawal of this variety is an attempt to control; it is better understood as manipulative than my previous label of “juvenile.”
Mullen’s work fills an important space in the current literature of church abuse, helping the victim understand their experience. Laura Beringer and Scot McKnight address how churches and church people deal with cultures that allow abuse in “A Church Called Tov” and “Pivot.” Chuck DeGroat helps the church deal with the abuse by a narcissist in “When Narcissism Comes to Church.” Diane Langberg has dealt with the power dynamics of abuse in “Redeeming Power.” Michael Kruger discusses leaders who abuse in “Bully Pulpit.” The victim, all too often, is abused, ignored, and re-victimized by the church when they come forward. Mullen re-assures the reader that they are not crazy. The situations they have had to deal with can be understood within formulas of abuse. Knowledge of what is happening can be truly freeing to the one stuck in confusion. It shines a light on abusive tactics throughout the process in a way that is generous and non-judgmental. There is no hint of condemnation for the reader who could not make sense of the situation on their own. If I may be so forward, the author’s goal is to restore control to be victim who has had it stripped away.
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Publisher : Tyndale Momentum (October 6, 2020)
Language : English
Paperback : 240 pages
ISBN-10 : 1496444701
ISBN-13 : 978-1496444707
Item Weight : 8.8 ounces
Dimensions : 5.5 x 0.7 x 8.2 inches
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